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i'm thinking about doing hypnotherapy. my memory loss has gotten so bad that it's interfering with my everyday life. it's to the point where i'm not even realizing that i'm forgetting the things that i do & all i can think about is being 30 years old with alzhiemer's.

i'm scared of being depressed again but right now i don't think i can avoid it.
nothing's the way i wanted it to be & every thing seems like it's falling apart & i can't do anything about it.

biiiiitch

so apparently csections are considered major surgery & you're supposed to limit your activities & what not cause if you don't then this will happen??
& then the slight leaking turns into this??

now i'm completely restricted & spending my leave stuck inside.
AWESOME!

and it burned, burned, burned

uggggggh.
so few days after getting home managed to get an infection. i mean they aren't that uncommon but the annoyance is not knowing really what it is. i know i have a urinary tract infection cause it freakin' burns when i pee but i'm constantly getting a fever. sooo went to the dr and white blood cell count was low (this was on monday), got a antibiotic shot (on top of the antibiotics i'm already taking) and my nurse said it should clear it up. well shit it's friday & it burns even more & i'm still getting random fevers?? so i guess i'll be going back on monday.

the bad thing is as much as i don't want it to be anything serious if it was to be it could extend my leave....

going back to work & being away from my bebe is going to be IMPOSSIBLE. i mean c'mon just look at her.....

i need to get shit done!

Sophia Rose

FINALLY! i'm a mommy! this feeling is still something i'm getting used to but so far it's the greatest thing ever. i've never felt a love like this before.

desperate times call for desperate measures

still awaiting Sophia's arrival.
i can't vent my emotions or thoughts through her blogspot so here's mine.

i can't stand the constant questioning if i'm nervous about delivery/her because really, what scares me the most is money & the lack of.
while i'm on leave i'll only make 66% of my average checks. which at first seemed fair to me but in reality it's not going to do shit.

i'm so worried about not being able to afford being off from work & then having to go back without having anyone to even care for Sophia during the days. we can't really work our schedules out in a way that someone will always be home because it will jeopardize Brandon's hours & that's the last thing we need.

the reality that i'm about to face that i might not be able to provide for my own child is something that i never want to have.

i hate admitting that we can't do this on our own & i especially hate asking for help from anyone but as of right now i'm applying for medicaid. i got turned down for cash assistance and food stamps so really this is my only option.

at this point i don't know what to do, but it's keeping me awake and i need to know that it's going to be okay.